Joke of the Day

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Things a Redneck Would Never Say...

 

 

"I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"

 

Duct tape won't fix that.

 

Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

 

We don't keep firearms in this house.

 

Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

 

You can't feed that to the dog.

 

No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.

 

Wrasslin's fake.

 

Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

 

We're vegetarians.

 

I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

 

Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

 

Deer heads detract from the decor.

 

Spitting is such a nasty habit.

 

I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

 

I've got it all on a floppy disk.

 

Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

 

Checkmate.

 

She's too old to be wearing a bikini.

 

Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

 

Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

 

Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

 

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TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

 

Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.

Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

 

DINING OUT

Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

 

Redneck Etiquette - ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

 

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

 

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.

 

If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

 

DATING (Outside the Family)

 

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years a go."

If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

 

 

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

 

Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.