Christmas Jokes

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Nothing like having some good clean fun this time of the year. I'll start the sharing in hopes that everyone joins in to spread the Holiday Cheer.

Three garbage men were doing their Christmas rounds and collecting their well earned Xmas tips and gifts from the grateful householders when they arrived at a pleasant house at the end of a cul-de-sac.

The first garbage collector went up to the door to be met by the lady of the house in very revealing attire, who said, "Oh yes, I know what you want!" as she dragged him upstairs to the bedroom to have her wicked way with him.

A short while later he returned bedraggled to the garbage truck and told his colleague what had happened.

His mate like the idea of some of that so he went to the house where once again the lady appeared, this time in even more revealing attire.

"Oh yes, I know what you want!" she said as she dragged him upstairs to the bedroom to have her wicked way with him as well.

Afterwards, he also returned bedraggled to the lorry and told the driver what had happened.

"Hmmm, I'll have a bit of that!" thought the driver and walked up to the house.

The lady opened the door and gave him $5.

"Hey!" said the driver, "What about the fun and games you gave my colleagues?"

"Oh that," said the woman "You can blame my husband for that."

"What's he got to do with it?" asked the driver.

The lady answered, "Well, he said to give $5 to the driver and **** the other two."

Bill woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home. Confused he tried to gather his thoughts, "It's 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. The wife must have gone to work."

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his heart sank as he wondered what the hell he did last night.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.

He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy; there was no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and all was serene.

He stumbled to the bathroom, which was also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye.

This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife. "I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's sport on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Alison."

Bill stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper.

His teenage son was sitting at the table, eating. Bill, bracing himself for the worst, asked his son what happened the previous night.

His son said, "Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway. You got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Bill was confused as he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mom and breakfast waiting for me?"

His son replied, "Oh, that! Well you see, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'

 

 

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