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ExtremeRavens: The Sanctuary



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After four straight losses and the worst start in 45 years, you probably haven't noticed it yet, Steelers fans, but you're already changing.


With every embarrassing performance, with every turnover, every incomplete pass, every rushing yard surrendered and every toothless threat from your increasingly desperate head coach, slowly but surely you are mutating, transforming, changing … into an entirely different kind of fan.


The problem is, as a Steelers fan you've experienced so much success and winning that you really have no way of knowing just what's happening to you, or how in the world to cope with it. Even with the Steelers mercifully on their bye week, unable to lose yet again to another winless team in a faraway place, stuck in the AFC cellar below the Browns (for God's sake), for at least another week, maybe two, maybe three -- the symptoms persist.


Lethargy. Depression. Disorientation. Your world has stopped making sense. Your bad-ass Towel? It is no longer Terrible but, instead, just a yellow hand towel, soaked with tears and Primanti Brothers sauce from all that stress eating.

The worst part? You probably don't even know it, but scientists say that as the failures of your beloved football team continue to pile up, so does your consumption of saturated fat (by a whopping 26 percent) while at the same time testosterone levels plummet -- in male fans, of course.


When Ben Roethlisberger says you're the worst, well, you have to take his word for it.


Do you feel that, Steelers fans? With every unprecedented loss most of you are becoming fatter, softer, sadder, less manly and more and more, well, average.


You've lost four straight, eight if you count the preseason, 13 out of 15 if you go back to the middle of last year. It's so bad you have to go back to 1968 for historical context. That season you finished 2-11-1.


Your best defender is better known as a shampoo spokesman. Your best player on offense is missing two knee ligaments. Heck, even your quarterback says "we're the worst."


So, it's pretty much official. Might as well stop denying it and come clean.


You're losers.




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