Know any good jokes?

[Robjr83]

Saw on reddit yesterday some good adult jokes....

 

Two old ladies were sitting outside their retirement home smoking a cigarette when it started raining. The one old lady pulled out a condom and snipped off tip and put it on her cigarette. The second old lady said whats that? Its a condom she said. You can get them at the drugstore, it keeps my cigarette dry. The next day the second old lady went to the pharmacist and asked for a pack of condoms. The pharmacist was a little embarrassed and asked her which style she preferred. Her response " I don't give a shit, just big enough to fit a Camel"

 

 

King Arthur had suspect one of his most trusted knights Lancelot was having an affair with the queen. So the KIng put a guillotine chastity belt on the queen before he left on a trip. A week later and the king ordered all his knights to disrobe. To the Kings surprise two of his knights were missing their peckers but not Lancelot. The King began to cry and told Lancelot he was sorry for ever doubting him. Lancelot said " Itthsss Ooookthaaay Sthir"

[papasmurfbell]

A construction worker was on the third floor of an unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him. But the guy couldn’t hear a word he said from so high up. So he started to give a sign so the man on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eyes (meaning “I”) then pointed at his knees (meaning “need”), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw. Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the third floor got pissed off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, “You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw.”
The other guy replied, “I know, ?I was telling you that I was coming.”

 

 

 

A dyslexic kid and his mom go out for lunch and she says to him, “What do you want to eat?”
He replies, “McDonald’s!”
The mom says, “You can have it if you can spell it.”
He thinks about this and then says, “Fine, I’ll have KCF.”

 

 

 

A woman was complaining about her small breasts when one day, a genie appeared. He told her that every time a man says pardon, her breasts would increase in size. The next day, she bumped into a man. He said “Excuse me” and her breasts grew substantially.
Thrilled, she decided to treat herself to Chinese. As she walked in, she bumped into a Chinese man on the way out who quickly said, “A thousand pardons, miss.”
On the news that night the headline was, “Restaurant destroyed by mysterious explosion”.

 

 

If a fire station can go up in flames, and a plumbing company can go down the drain, can a prostitute get layed off?

 

 

 

A man walks into his doctor’s office and whines, “Doc, you’ve got to help me; I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my ass.”
The doctor pulls out his prescription pad and says, “I’ve got cream for that!”

 

 

 

A frustrated wife got some Viagra for her husband. Her doctor told her to give him one pill a night, and that he would call to check in with her after a week. That night, the wife popped one pill in her husband’s food and got a good banging. The next night she gave him two pills. The sex was even greater than the night before. The following night she decided to give him the whole bottle. The sex was unimaginable. A week later, the doctor called to check on the patient. The couple’s son answered the phone and sounded shaky. The doctor asked to speak to his mom. The son replied that his mom was in the hospital, the maid was pregnant, his butt was hurting and his dad was standing naked in the front garden, yelling, “Here kitty, kitty!”

 

 

 

 

On Monday morning, teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn’t find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class.
Tuesday, she was again greeted with “penis” on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day’s lesson.
Every morning for the rest of the week, “penis” was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she’d had enough.
“That’s enough,” she sputtered. “I can’t believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behaviour!”
The next Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: “Don’t you know – the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?"

[vmax]

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up". Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex. Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged ---- my wife won twice last week."

 

Why do rednecks like having sex doggie style?
That way they can both watch wrestling.

 

Why do folks from Tennessee go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
17 and under are not admitted.

 

What is a Redneck's defense in court?
"Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."

[papasmurfbell]

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up". Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex. Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged ---- my wife won twice last week."

 

Why do rednecks like having sex doggie style?

That way they can both watch wrestling.

 

Why do folks from Tennessee go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?

17 and under are not admitted.

 

What is a Redneck's defense in court?

"Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."

[Robjr83]

What do you call a redneck woman that runs faster than her brothers? A Virgin

[papasmurfbell]

lol

[cravnravn]

What do you call a redneck woman that runs faster than her brothers? A Virgin

An Oldcrow

[Robjr83]

There was a large traffic backup in DC one day. A man was walking car to car talking to each driver. He said that terrorist have captured every politician in Washington and were threatened to blow them up unless they get $1 million dollars. The man said he was taking donations... The driver asked how much he had so far? The man replied .... 100 gallons of gasoline, 74 lighters, and 40 packs of matches

 

What do you call an honest politician? unemployed

 

Its so cold in DC I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets

[Spen]

Anyone remember the nice ad where a young man in a restaurant is holding his food looking for a seat but the place was full so a nice family lets him sit with them? The same thing kind of happened to me today at Boston Market. I was standing with my tray hoping someone would leave so I could sit when a nice older couple motioned for me to sit with them. They were a bit older - probably late 70s, smokier, and I'll be honest a little creepier than the TV commercial people but who am I to judge? I probably dont match up well to the commercial boy.

Anyway I sit down and we small talk about the weather. Henry had one of those voice box machines, I didnt ask if he had cancer. I just assumed. Helen was nice and kept smiling. Maybe they were not so creepy after all. Just as I took my first bite Henry leaned over and in barely a machine generated whisper said "if you let her blow you and let me watch - we'll pay for your sandwich". I was really shocked and a bit dissapointed....

Wait, Im doing it again. My wife always tells me that I tell my stories in the wrong order, that I 'bury the lead'. Let me start over.

Hey guys, I got a free sandwich today!

[deeshopper]

lol.

[cravnravn]

lmao!!!!

 

Im heading to Checkers

[oldcrow]

checkers?

 

you wanting to buy those two guys in the drive-thru sandwiches!!!!!!!

or just blow them for a drink

 

are you in the trunk?

[oldcrow]

two old ladies were sitting on a bench

when a flasher walked upand

flashed them

 

 

 

one lady had a stroke

 

 

 

 

the other couldn't reach

[cravnravn]

checkers?

 

you wanting to buy those two guys in the drive-thru sandwiches!!!!!!!

or just blow them for a drink

 

are you in the trunk?

 

I dont know what Checkers you go to, but we have outside dining at the one in Daytona

[oldcrow]

you're nasty

 

 

 

doing things to those two guys and calling it

 

"dining outside"

[oldcrow]

who the hell what's checkers , but you?

 

you and Tricky Dick.

[oldcrow]

Here's a story told in the view from a baby:

 

 

So, like I was hanging out , just sucking on some lady's tit ,when her husband walked in...

 

I SHIT MYSELF

[vmax]

Here's one for the ladies...I think....

 

Man: "God, why you make woman so beautiful?"
God: "So you would love her."
Man: "But God, why you make her so dumb?"
God: "So she would love you!"

 

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job.

 

A man escapes a prison where he has been locked up for 15 years. He goes into a house and finds a young couple in bed. He forces the young man into a chair and duck taped him there. Then he leans over the woman and kisses her neck, then he goes into the bathroom. The man whispers to his wife "Honey this man is an escaped convict look at his clothes. He probably hasn't seen a young woman in years, I saw the way he kissed your neck, so do whatever he says of he might kill us be strong honey love you." The wife leans over and whispers "He wasn't kissing my neck he whispered in my ear that he was gay and thought you were cute. So he asked if we had any lube, I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey love you too."

[papasmurfbell]

A man goes into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for condoms quietly. The pharmacist ask what kind. Just condoms. I need to know what kind you need. Whats the diffeerence? Well you have a 6 pack for Italians. Monday, Tue, Wed Thur, Fri, and Sat. There are 9 packs for Greeks. Mon, Tue, Wed, Thur, Fri, twice on Sat, and Twice on Sun. Then you have 12 packs for Jews. Jan, Feb, March, Apr, May...

[Spen]

Work sucks! Not only do I have to stay late tonight because of really bad traffic this morning but I got written up too. My workplace is sending me to sensitivity training because someone overheard me humming the theme to Hogans Heroes...